5 Reasons You can get Stuck in Your Grief

by Diana 

So you’re in this club, the Grief club, one that you didn’t ask to join but was forced and as you’re facing this “new life.” You realized you don’t know how to deal…which is GREAT, because think about it, how would you know how to deal with grief? Unless you’re somehow a robot with no emotions 😉 We as human are just not equipped to handle grief. We don’t have the right tools and resources to properly heal grief. Again if you are in this Grief Journey, you will be OK. Back to grief, so you don’t know where to begin and it’s all soooo soooo overwhelming…the loss, death, or whatever experience has thrown you for a loop, and the Grief…lawd jeezus…were certainly not part of the plan.

All that to say, here’s what I know, there’s a lot of stuff out there about Grief, some good, but mostly a lot of misconceptions about grief, which is why I created what I called: 5 (+ a Bonus) Reasons you can get stuck in Grief that I’ve figured out along the way. If I would have had this, I would not have felt the “Why didn’t someone tell me before so I didn’t think I was crazy?!”  mPlease take this to heart, as I have seen these misconceptions as the mot common reasons people get stuck in their grief. With awareness, you understand how you can shift those misconceptions to EMPOWER you and SUPPORT you in your grief. 

My intention is for you to save, print, read, and re-read the below so that when the “Why the heck do I cry at the most inopportune time?!” Grief Attacks ‘effing moments sneak up on you, you can reference the below and be reminded that you’re still sane, because after all you not a robot (but if you are a robot, I want to hear from you!)

Without further ado…

5 Reason You may be Stuck in Grief 

1. The “Grief Stages” – Knowing this alone is going to save you heart aches. When I started to dig into the literature about grief, I thought I was going nuts, because I could cry, laugh, and feel guilty, within seconds. I didn’t know if I was hormonal or simply insane. Per the sh*t I read out there I was suppose to be either in “Shock” ,“Denial”, “Angry” ,“Bargaining”, you get it, but I had trouble explaining where I was, because I seriously would feel all of that within a nanosecond apart. It took a hot minute to realize it that I was actually sane because the emotions are not stages, there are emotions, that are non linear. Rather, emotions like to travel like ping-pongs, back and forth, back and forth, you just gotta keep your eye on the ball.

2. “Time will Heal” – many wonderful souls will tell you this beautiful well intended message…“In time, all will be healed, or “time will heal”… I took this one to heart, I thought, “Ok if I just get through the day, over time I’ll feel better.” And I really thought I would feel better but I didn’t 18 months after my sisters’ deaths, I was having panic attacks left and right…here’s why “in time, all will be healed” makes no sense… have you ever wanted to loose weight? Yes, I’m being serious…so bear with me. For real, what does it take to loose weight? A – change your diet, B – go to the gym, C – All of the Above. The answer doesn’t matter because it’s probably a combo of both, but what’s not in the answer choice is this D “I’ll sit around and wait to loose weight” … that’s essentially what you’re saying when you say “in time you’ll heal”, you’re expecting the concept of time to do the work for you. So all that to say time won’t heal you, it’s what you do with your time that will, which leads to me my 3^rd

3. “Staying Busy” – On the flip side of time, I thought “Ok, if I just keep busy, then I’ll heal” or more dangerously, “I won’t have to think about it.” I can honestly say that this was my default mode of suffering, to ‘cope’ with my grief, but it caused me the most pain and anxiety, like legit anxiety attacks. Why? Because staying busy without addressing the grief is like expecting a deep cut to heal on it’s own. Without some TLC and stitches on the wound, you’re asking for an infection, (i.e. an anxiety attack). In all of my grief coaching with clients, I see this behavior over and over, which usually leads to an emergency 911 coaching phone calls regarding another anxiety attack that has happened, yet again. So what’s the solve? Ask yourself, are you busy because you need to do something or is possible you’re avoiding something, particular your grief and emotions?

4. “I have to be Strong” or “Stay Strong” – whether you’re saying it, you’ve been told to stay strong, or are being strong for others because you’ve been the ring leader of the family tribe that holds down the fort, strong is only good for so long. Even the bravest of souls, the warriors, need to rest and recharge to battle. It’s the same thing. Staying strong without putting on your own oxygen mask will wear you out. I mean think about it, why do you put on your oxygen mask first? Don’t tell me you’ve thought that’s selfish, here’s the deal, the airlines have it right. If you don’t put on your own mask, you’re pretty helpless to those around you. It’s Ok to be strong, just recognize that it’s not a sustainable path in the long run, but with a little self , TLC, magic is born. It takes strength and courage to take care of yourself first and when you do, guess what? you got you’re whole tribe looking up to you.

5. Believing “you should” feel Better…already – this makes me chuckle reflecting back how much I’d say this to myself. “But, It’s been a month!, 6 weeks, 6 months, 1 year, It’s been a year and a half!” Good Grief, all of the shaming. SMH! I really want to know where this crazy idea originated from because when you really think about it, it doesn’t make any sense and certainty didn’t serve me to hold onto this idea. Here’s the thing, would you ever, like ever, ever, ever look at a relationship with someone that you’ve deeply loved, whether, it’s significant other, parents, sibling, child, etc. and exclaimed “OMG! I’ve loved you for my whole life?! I can’t believe it that I still love you!?”… No you wouldn’t… (and if you give me some BS story about how you don’t know how to love and never have loved, I need you to call me ASAP, cause that’s a topic for another day but there’s some deep rooted stuff we can resolve ASAP for you so that you can feel the AWESOMENESS that is Love, and YES YOU ARE F*king WORTHY of LOVE). Anywho, for those that have loved and do love, you just wouldn’t look at that relationship in disbelief, so consider this, your grief is a reflection of the love you have for your loved one. Doesn’t it make sense that if you love, you will naturally grieve? Which leads me to #6…

*BONUS*. Believing you’re going to get over Grief – Don’t get discouraged, this concept was a hard for me to wrap my brain around it, but is closely tied to #5. What felt like a good 18 months post my sisters’ death, I thought I’d never be ok and the idea of not being ok really daunted me. See after feeling like shit for what felt like an eternity, I had associated only negative feelings with grief, but grief has its positives and negatives. When I realized is that Grief isn’t only the negative, and can be positive, GAME OVER. Today, I’ve developed the healthiest relationship with grief, and G & I have grown up together and are great friends now. To me Grief is my Wisdom friend because it has shed so much light into my Life and how I live it and has allowed me to live the upmost amazing, fulfilling life…Yes that is right, my life is 1000% better than it was before my sisters died, I wish it didn’t take the deaths to wake up to my life but I also know that all of my experiences have served me to be where I am now…I’m no longer afraid of the negative, nor do I feel guilty for the positive because I decided that I wanted to live (& be happy) and that meant, getting familiar with the unfamiliar, the grief. I find that after the death of my sisters, I still grieve, and that’s OK because I know that grief is a reflection of the love I still have for my sisters and I honor that with gusto.

If you are ready to transform your grief, I invite step into TRANSFORMING your grief with this FREE meditation. Harness the mystical power of grief to transform your relationship with Grief and step into developing a positive relationship with Grief. You will be AMAZED!  

Here’s to Living,